The End

To the reader, you have the right to read this post but I will have you to agree that whatever you read in here is meant to be in here only. I do not care if you want to discuss it outside but I will not entertain with any question. Your tag in my shout box shall be deleted too. So if you agree then go ahead and read it.











This will be last post about her. I have decided to let go of her totally. So basically this post is dedicated to her only.

Seems like this really "The End" between us. All this long, I just want you to notice me but I guess I was asking too much. I have no one to blame since I was the foolish. I have to admit that you are really the most significant person in my life. I think I cannot love anyone as deep as this anymore. To be begin with, my feelings has never reached you even though I tried it so many times. If there is one word that can describe a feeling that is deeper than love, than that word will desribe my feeling for you.

It's started on Novemeber, I still remembered how I got to know you. I was folding napkin back then and I always felt that you are a person who has much arrogance in you but I was wronged. I always admire you from afar and I did not have that much gut to even approached you. You were the one who talked to me first. That conversation was short but it last for a long while. That was the first day I got to know your name.

Few days later near the end of the month, I was folding linen again when I saw you again. I told myslef that I will get your number for sure. I was even given 5 chances to ask you for it but I missed them all. It was sad but funny at the same time. You passed by me for 5 times and I could not even asked for your number. God must have been really patience with me.

2 weeks later, I get your number because you wanted to know more about RP. It was just nice before I went back Indonesia. I still remember that we talked on the phone as if we are talking face to face. We spoke from midnight til 3-4 am. I do not care if I really going back Indonesia tomorrow. That was the first time, when I really felt that your feeling has reached mine.

When I got back from Indonesia, we hardly talked since when I came back for few weeks and back to Indonesia again. Anyway, I was still very afraid in contacting you. I was too afraid that I might fall for you (Even though I did). So ever since then, I can only stand from afar and watched your shadow again. Though we did talk for a while when we are in M9 but it was fun. I get to know more and more about you.

So I had been denying my feeling for sometime. I had no idea why but I felt that God always blessed me. He never failed to create a chance for me. Not once or twice but plenty of them. There were time where I did not even know what is reality anymore.

I remembered there was once you invited me to a movie with your friends but I could not really remember the movie name. However I remembered the movie that I invited you to. It was none other than my all time favourite movie, Spiderman 3. It was clear on my mind that what we did on that day. We went Vivocity to watch the movies around 5 and the movie was a 4K digital. Then we went to eat at Hong Kong Cafe. I ate the cheese bake rice and you eat the instant Maggi noodle. Then afterward, I actually went to Tampines with you and we talked about lots of thing.

I dreamt about you once and it was so realistic. You called me to meet up and we hang out with your friends. Then your friends left and only left me and you. Now that I recalled, the dream is still clear on my mind. We met a Cine and just chit chat for awhile before your friends really left us. Though I still could not recall what your friend said, I figured it will be "Do not regret what you going to do" and you replied "I know". That was the first time I really hear a confession from you. I wanted to replied to your feeling to but I woke up. That was the most beautiful dream I have ever had and probably the worst nightmare since that was the day where everyhting started to crumble.

Soon afterward, I tried forgetting you but seems like you keep on appearing on my head over and over again. So I end up looking for a replacement but it did not work put well since I end up getting even closer to you.

So I started to become paranoid for what I have done. The fear of losing you keep on appearing on my head. However the fear did turn reality. I guess it was to be expected after all I was very extreme in what I do.

I wanted to meet you badly on your 18 birthday but I was too afraid. So I just came out with excuse not able and dare to meet you. So end up I only passed you a birthday cake and watched you left me behind.

Furthermore, all those craps that I send you on the New Year was the most extreme ever. I was too desperate of losing you. So I just being very emotional and sentimental disturb and sent you the message. I was not sure whether the message reached you since it was on New Year Eve and it was 5 pages long.

I went back Indonesia and showeed you to my friend. Show them the girl I really in love and madly with. I send you message and you replied. You told me that you sent me a message that wanted to ask me out. Up to this day, I have not receieved that message yet. Maybe you just wanted to comfort me or maybe you just wanted to make me happy or maybe you did sent the message but I really did not received it. Even my friend who send me a message, I received all of them when I came back to Singapore.

On my birthday, you said you wanted to asked me out. So I was very happy and this time round I wanted to become selfish. No more bullshit like "Nevermind, you got other friends that you can go out with beside me". No more such bullshit. So I was very looking forward to it. Yet on the day of meeting, you told me that you have a very bad stomachached that you going to hospital and your Mom was on the way to fetch you. I accepted naturally because I believed in you. You told me the following week, we were going to meet. That follwing never came. I even went all the troubled to follow your shadow to Clark Quay but seems like you already left. I told you that I was working in Robertson Quay and you called me. We talked and when you suggested me how to go from City Hall, I hinted you on purpose that you wanted to ask me out but you said "NO!". From that on, I know everything is over. I was just hoping too much. Too much that I crumbled on my own hope. Ever since then, I was hoping that you will contact me again. I waited days. The days become weeks and weeks become months.

Till now, I have not heard anything from you yet. I shaved my head in hope that you will take notice but seems like I was wronged. In the end this shave will probably the mark the end of everything between you and me.

I think you know that I love you that is why you are afraid of me. I know that existence very well myself. I guess I will probably going to regret for what I have done. I am not saying that God is cruel to me and I know that my fate has never been mine to hold. The reason why, I lost my phone probably not by any chance. It was a hint by the fate in my life to stop contacting you. Since to begin with, I was the one who contacted you the most. I think it was good idea that I lost your no.

"The End"