Senseless

It's true that sometime human are being born differently from their mental all the way to the fate. However I have no idea that human can actually born with such a misery fate. Nothing actually ever get right for him. He spend most of his time to trying to improve his life and it become plunge down. Yeah.. If you are still wondering who is that? That person is actually me.

It seems that when I came to this World, I already owe plenty to them. Nothing in my life is going at the right track. I am bad at almost everything. This is what I have compile about myself that what I think is really crap:

Speaking English
Master none of my languages (compare to all my siblings)
Muscle aching at such a young age
Minor color blind
Hearing defect
Periodic nose bleed
Bad at relationship
Not very good with maintaining friendship
Sucks at socialising
Family that meets lots of challenge
Different from most Indonesian who came to Singapore
Born as the youngest who has less voice in the family
Allergy to alcoholic drinking
Speak too fast
Slow in reaction
Too easy being convinced
Always argued
and etc....

There are lots of them but right now I will just type this cause the more I type the more depress it will be. Haiz...

I am actually a person who just want to live as normal average joe but the harder I try the further I got. Is it really hard to be normal? I really do not want to become any person which have a great fate lays ahead or waiting for huge storm to stomp my life. This is seriously senseless for a person be so unlucky. From all those point I actually can derive, it's either I have been cursed or I am just jinxed. .....

WWWWAAAAHHHHH!!!!

God of Death

These few days, I have not been feeling very well. I have no idea what is going to happen to me. It started on 21/4/08. Initially, I was very fine when I was out with my friend. Then the following day, I felt so tired in the class. It's always been the same routine but it's just that in that morning, I can't seem to be concentrate very well.

On Tuesday night after gathering with my ex-secondary friends, I went home and drank a can of Carlsberg. The next day which is Wednesday, I was on my way to school. Just as usual, I walk on the same pace but my cnemis (the part of the leg that located in between knee and ankle) hurts a lot. I almost felt like this sensation going to tear it apart. On that night, I seek my friend advice when I was working. He told me that my liver is the one causing the problem. He told me that it might be cancer so I need to seek doctor's help. He also told me that seeking Chinese Sensei is good enough since they will massage it for me.

On Thursday, the same pain came back. But I just ignored it. Friday evening, I asked my house owner's opinion. He told me story regarding his brother's who got leg cancer and died after a few days when the cancer is being discovered. On Sat morning, I woke up to find my whole body in misery. Fever and cramps almost everywhere. I almost can't stand up. After a few time sleep-wake. I finally pulled myself up and get to work. I take 2 panadol strong before I went to work. It was alright for a few hours before the pain came back again. I felt giddy and slowly losing my conscious. Luckily I got the chance to rest in the MRT when I was on my way home. As a matter of fact my cnemis pain is still occurring as I type every single word for this post. I hope the pain will just gone when I take panadol and rest tonight.

I have no idea why is this happening to me. Seems like the God of Death like me so much that He has been trying to put off the light in my live. I won't be surprised if there is a day where I can't see light anymore. I think my time is approaching. The ticking of my time in this world is getting slower. So if I really go one day, then I will at least will like to "Thank the World for whatever things that she has provided me".

Clown Huh...

Sometime I really kind of envy on one of my best friend. He can be such a joker that everyone laugh at him and he doesn't really matter with it. I mean I don't know but he really has no limit how much or how far his joke can stretch. 1 thing about him that I really envy him, he can really bring laughter and smile to people around him (though of course some time I am his subject of his joke and that really turned off me.) Haha..

On the other hand, I am just a pathetic person. I don't know why but I think I can be made fun of but there is limit to it. And I don't get it why sometime it really pissed me off too. I understand that all those are just a joke but how many people can really understand a person's feel. I just don't get it. They treat me really like a topic and subject of joke. In other word, I am just a clown. I can't fit myself into any normal conversation except I am being laughed on. Hmmmm... This sounds pretty depressing. Well... What can I do? This is my only way of communication. I guess I really suit the kind of person who is emotionless and fierce looking guy. Haha... Just kidding, I think I need to be more serious in whatever I do. This should be one of the resolve that I need to have for my new age. Haha...

Birth Day

Ah... I guess this post was supposedly be expected from yesterday but haha.. I felt asleep yesterday night. I was too tired. It was the "most fun" birthday I have ever had. Haha...

Well.. I went out with my friend who is a girl but the 2 words are not together. We met up at 6 and try to figure what to had for dinner. Haha.. Halfway through, my Sister from Australia called me and of course to be expected from her to wish me "Happy Birthday". The great thing about the called is that, she make this statement. I'm not very sure how she phrase that statement but this is what she said. "Andi, It's (or is it) your birthday today. (or ?)". Haha.. So it does set me wonder at first but well hack it. At the very least she called the at the correct date. Haha..

So what makes this year my best birthday is I actually have to walk all the way from Grand Hyatt Singapore all the way to Funan IT Mall. The other best part it my friend and I took 2 hours to come conclusion what we going to have for dinner. Haha.. But T.T birthday boy had to treat the girl. T.T So much for the birthday. Haha.. Just kidding.. Hehe.. After all, it's my principle for me to not let the girl treat me. Haha.. Though there are a few time where girl treat me but that is really the situation where I cannot do anything. Haha...

Ohh.. My working place actually celebrating my birthday in which I really didn't expect it at all. Haha... Ok.. Maybe I am too naive but I really didn't see it coming. I have been in living for 18 years, there is never a time where I will be surprised for my birthday because I don't really celebrate it. However last Sunday was a good surprise. I let my guard down. Haha.. All of them deserve a good clap and praise. Haha.. Ok.. Shoo the crap.
This is what happened:
For those who still has no idea, I am actually working in Japanese Pub Restaurant in Robinson (or Robertson or something sounds like that) Quay. So I was asked to deliver food to this place called Tasting Note. It's actually the only pub that do not serve food but it associates itself with other restaurant which mean other restaurants can deliver food there. Initially, I have no complaint of going over. On the second visit, I suddenly realised that the following day will be my birthday so I actually afraid that my manager will forget that I actually requested off. So I just sms her and informed her that I wish for Mon and Tue off. However, there is no reply so I assume that she was too busy with the planning of the time table schedule. Then on my third visit, I got irritated because I can't recognise the plate that I supposed to collect. So I keep on pester my senior to takeover for me. Since I'm the only guy, I kind of understand that I am the one supposed to go since the rest of them are ladies and it has always been guy who deliver the food over to Tasting Note. Then randomly, my Assistant Manager requested for my IC. So I still stupidly pass her my Indonesian IC and show her. On top of that I am still showing off my IC and my ez-link card. Then when I supposed to go back for the 4th time to deliver the bill, I was really persistent not to go and asked my senior to go. So 1 of them actually pissed and the other is also persistent. So she just taught me how to recognise the plate then I actually ran out of excuse to not go. Then I go and came back and when I just opened the door. SURPRISED!! A cake actually laid on the table and everyone wish me happy birthday. So I was like giving the mind-go-blank-and-look-stupidity-and-do-not-know-what-to-say look. But it was really good. It really tricks me good. Haha...

So this is probably the best birthday so far in my life. Haha...

Music that Express My Feeling

Attention to those who read this post:
First of all, I am an emotional guy. I am a guy but I am pretty soft inside but that didn't make a pussy or any word that describe me feminine. So after reading this, you think I am pussy, then you can stop reading it.

Lucky, I hear these songs, Menjaga Hati by Yovie & Nuno and Sejauh Mungkin by Ungu, after I went out with Lucy. If I actually heard these songs before that, maybe the entire day mood will just bust. Seriously, after hearing these songs, for some apparent reason tears rolling down on my cheeks. It's just that I'm not crying but it's more like I am touched? (I think this is the nearest word to explain it).

The song "Menjaga Hati" was the exact expression that I used to have toward a certain girl. The song describe as exact as what I have felt for her in the past until recently. This is description of lyric in terms of my feeling.

"Your existence that has left a scarce in my heart is still linger within me. Continuous rain is hinting that love is no longer left. You have turned away.

Allow me to keep this feeling. To keep the short moment of love that you have given me. You have gone but I will not go. You are distancing but I will stay. The fact is that I am still longing for you.

Are there still light of longing within you that always portrait your feeling? I will never able erase you within me despite that I see you are distance away.

If at the end, you are still not back, I will still be alone to keep this feeling for you.

The honest truth is I really longing for you."

This really describe my feeling. I try to translate as near as possible to the song. But it will be better if you understand Indonesia or Malay at least you can see the truth of the lyric yourself.

As for the second song, "Sejauh Mungkin", describes my feeling of this very present. The aftermath of my feeling.

"The tiredness of a feeling that you didn't see if only you can feel how tiring it is for my soul because of your doing. The beautiful love that you have given to me is no longer exist for my soul to comfort on.

It's better for me to leave. Leave you alone as fas as possible just to forget you.

It's better for me to leave. Leave you alone as fas as possible just to forget you who don't really care of my feeling that love and care for you.

If I have distanced away from you, I hope you will understand and realised it."

The second song is a tad too hard to be translated. So I can only tell you to appreciate the song. Though not all the lyric in second song is true about she has given me love but the word love can be change to care. She showered me an unreasonable amount of care that comfort me.

I'm not talking about anyone else here. Yes.. She is the only girl that I have the feeling of love that is so strong that surpass my love for anything else. It even surpass my love for myself or my family that I care for the most. However the fact is seems otherwise from another point of view.

I really do not know how her feeling for me but I can guarantee that it may not be the same as mine. The unconditional love. This is what I describe my feeling for her.

It's all over now anyway. So there is no point to describe anymore. My existence mean nothing to her now. Slowly and surely, I will disappear from her life. It pains me to do this but it is the best solution. There is no other alternative solution for this. Wait for her, confess to her or forget about her is a bull crap reason. I can only distance myself and just a be her fading shadow.

Move Along

Hmmm.. I have released an earlier post but I seems it's seems to be too complicated. So this will be the redo.

I felt that all my surrounding moving so fast and for some reason I am to afraid to move my leg. I wanted to be like everyone else in moving forward. However I feared of something. Something that will be lost once I moved my forward. Every human always has decision to be made in any point of their life to choose what is best for him or her.

I think I need to sacrifice in order to gain. Though there are things that I will lose, they will always be with me. The memories of the sadness and happiness that need to be cherished.

So I hope the thing that I'm leaving behind will not haunt me in the future. Though I have never regretted, not even once, that I decided to keep it. The thing I am leaving behind is just my feeling. A feeling that will not reach and will never be.

Fur huh...

I recently got this email from a friend regarding the fur farm in China. I do not wish to upload those video to my blog but if you are interested you can just see it in here.

Well.. My point of view in this fur farm in China is neutral. I do not support on the way they kill or against them. This is what my view is and I am not trying to preach. It's true that the way their act of killing is horribly wrong but I think that they have to do this since they have family to feed. It's their fault that they have to skinned them but it makes no difference whether they have to kill them alive or dead. If we are talking about act of kindness here then I think we should not have even skinned them. Nonetheless whether the fur came from China or Europe or whatever country is, it is very wrong to kill animals for Human's selfishness.

However I will like other to see my point of view is that, this is what makes us Human. God create us in a way that we can overcome all of kinds of obstacles with feeling. Neither we are doing good things nor bad things and who is there to judge which is right and wrong. If slaughtering animal for gaining their fur is mistake then I should say that the chicken and the cow deserve their right for the act of kindness. They should just come in 1 piece and go in 1 piece. I think we have no right to blame all of China people to kill the animals for their fur. It's true that the way they skinned the animal is cruel and even I can't bear to watch it. And I think people who have seen the video agree that what if they are treated the same way? I know it's truly painful to see the animal to be left in the open and leave them die slowly. In fact we all know that the fur is not supposed to be damaged in order to sell for a good price. So I understand they have to kill the animal slowly by chocking them or smash them to the floor. There is now way of killing those fur animal in respect to gain an undamageable fur. If there are handling 1 or 2 animal a month maybe they can make sure the animal is dead before skinning them alive to grant them a less painful experience of life. However we are talking about a day here. It's just like you have to do 50 cans of soda a day with hands only. We can't do anything anything about it since we are the just like those people who are in fur farm in China. We are just as cruel and heartless as them because we are Human. As long as we are Human, we can't blame them because we are the same as them. We maybe different in our way of thinking but we have to admit that deep down inside us have the same characteristic that we do not want to be portray out.

Hehe.. This is the end. This is just random post that I have for my blog. Please do not sue me or support me because I believe you all have your own thought. I also not looking for trouble because all I want is just to let other see what I have for the thoughts of it. Oh.. Of course I will be supporting the anti-fur since they reuqired people. I am more than willing to help. Hehe.. Please help too if you felt that you are doing the right for yourself. Thank you.. Hehe...

A Trouble That Shall Be Remembered

So actually I was in Indonesia for a week for the Chen Meng (a festive for Chinese tradition of cleaning the grave). While I was Indonesia, there are this happening that stress me a lot.

The occurrence was when I was texting my Indonesian friend. Initially when I was texting her, I was planning to tease her. She asked me who I am and where do I get her no but I deny and refuse to answer. Then suddenly I received this phone called from a certain unknown no that I have no idea who. So I just picked up and asked who is the person. She kept on saying that I get her no from her friend so I draw the conclusion that she is the the girl that I have been texting and turned out that I was right. However it was too late since I already gave my identity away so I couldn't tease her anymore. She asked me where I am but I was thinking of teasing her. So I lied that I was in Batam on holiday. Then the chat continue till she decided to hit off since she has school tomorrow. The next night I actually confess that I was in Jakarta since I felt rather guilty for lying. And I told her that the reason why I was in Jakarta which is for the Chen Meng. The continue story will be my texting on her:
Me:Let me be honest, I actually in Jakarta for Chen Meng. I felt kind of guilty for lying... You know what is Chen Meng right?
A : Of course I know. I am Chinese as well.
Me: Really? That was a big news to me. What a surprise.. Haha..
30 minutes later......
Me: Hey.. You angry with me? Sorry.. I didn't know you can't take such a far fetch joke...
1 hour later.....
Me: Hey.. Still angry? I am sorry.. I really didn't mean it. Why not as for my apology to show you that I really guilty, I shall grant you a wish that you want? Anything as long as I can do..
1 day later.....
Me: Hey.. Still angry? I am really sorry. Please do not mad...
2 days later...
Me: Hey... Are you ignoring me? I am sorry I really push my joke too much. It's ok if you want to hate me. I just want to let you know that I am sorry and I am sincere with it..
1 hour later...
I rang my friend and tell him the situation I face. He told me that she is not that kind of person who is really petty. So it was a relieve to me since I believe my friend.
1 day later...
A: Sorry I was sleeping yesterday. I hit off kind of early.

HUH!!! I was stunned with the reply.. She treated as if that she did not receive all my message. I was like frustrated and kind of glad since she is the first girl that make me so stressful. Haha.. But well that is kind of relieve. Anyway I will remember those days where I felt guiltiest day of my life. Haha...

Some random thought:
I miss the "bakso" (meat ball noodle) that I sold near my brother's place. The meat ball is so tender and there is this huge meat ball that really has lots of meat. Arrrghhhh... I am craving for it now. Haha...